Where am I, really?

For the last few weeks I've been listening to Celine Dion (A New Day Has Come) and convincing myself that Prince Charming was just around the corner. I told myself to just be patient, to be kind, and continue imagining Mr. Right. I've pictured lots of details related to Mr. Right and imagined what life with him would be like, all the "visualization" tools you're supposed to use at work. I even convinced myself that I was being patient and just allowing myself time to work through recent challenges; that I didn't want to rush into dating again. It's true I'm not a serial-dater, nor have I ever successfully juggled dating several men at a time, but it's been eight months since I've even kissed a man.

Then today, Antonio calls out of the blue. I listened to the message, twice. He's still not right for me. I still don't want to date him again. I still called him back. He wants to have lunch. The gist of it was that he was bored driving somewhere and thought to call me. I'm a resource again and having a friendship with me looks good to his boss because of my role with the DOT. I get it. It sucks. He's the last man I kissed, the last man to make love to me, and the last man I allowed into my life. It all went horribly wrong of course and I behaved very badly. So why did that brief conversation send me into a tailspin?

I know I'm not still hung up on him but I can't seem to move past how awful that relationship was. It was wonderful, beyond words, in the beginning but it all fell apart as things evolved and I made so many mistakes. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I don't know what I do wrong with men. I know all the logic behind my relationship woes but I'm sick to death of all of it.

Easter

Interesting... Talk about God working in mysterious ways. I started a post about my weekend, it started rough but ended great thanks to LN, Stefan, and Angie. Oddly enough, I was writing, feeling bad, and had written a fair amount about the bad part.... I lost the whole thing. I know, I know, the "non-believers" (lol) will say, "A computer glitch, Mel, does not constitute a message from God." Why not though?

Why can't God talk to us through little things that interrupt our thoughts and redirect us to what's important? LN made sure, against my initial resistence, that I had a wonderful family filled Easter. Stefan came to see me and he's happy and doing well. Angie wrote and I'll be able to talk to her soon. Blessings all, I'd say.

Everyone has heartache in life. Mine has overwhelmed me over the last year or so. I've not lost sight of my blessings though. I'm very aware of all that I have to be grateful for. It's time for me to refocus. Easter is about hope, about the resurrection of Christ, about the inability of the actions of man to overcome the will of God. We pray, some go to Church, and we recognize this holiday (holy day) but why not take it's meaning and history and apply it literally in life? Why not allow yourself to be filled with faith and courage? Can't today be the beginning of a new life? Can't everyday be a new beginning if we want it to be? We struggle, we slip and sometimes we fall but everyday that we're blessed to see a new sunrise is a day we can spend doing our best again.