Faith, Yoda, and the Meaning of Life

"... well the anxiety I get, but panic attacks we need to discuss..." says Dr. B
"I get them when I think of something happening to Stefan or death."
"Stefan I understand but tell me about death," Dr B
"Thinking about death gives me a panic attack. It's weird, I have such strong faith," I say steepling my hands in front of me and nodding slightly (don't know why I do that), "But when it comes to dying? I have such a hard time believing... I don't know, in afterlife or ... I just think we end." It sounds like a cop out to me as I say it. Kind of like being agnostic "well, I'll believe if I see proof..."

Dr. B laughs a little and explains something about me being existentialist something or other. Apparently a very deep thinker, like a philosopher, which means I could be really smart but likely depress myself. Now, that's funny. It did get me to thinking though. My favorite character from Star Wars is Yoda. My favorite Yoda quote is, "Do or do not. There is no try." Sounds kind of like faith to me. If your faith only extends to what you perceive some amount of control over (i.e. your life), then how strong is that faith? Not very.

You believe or you don't. It's like Miracle on 34th Street. That part when the handsome young lawyer decides to defend Santa and the department store starts the campaign, "Do you believe?" Then all those people all over the city start putting out their signs and gathering in crowds and even wearing symbols of their faith. I get so happy in that part of the movie, it always makes me cry. I bounce up and down, clasping my hands, and cheer (the dogs think I'm crazy but that's okay). I'm thinking, "I believe! I believe!"

And it is faith. You either believe and trust and listen to your heart... completely ... or you don't. There is no half way.

Happy Birthday to Me

Yesterday was my Birthday... Yay! I'm such a little kid about Birthdays. It was a wonderful day filled with many gifts. I learned that something I've been working on with a friend may help save their organization, KAG started her blog with a bang, Jackie, LN, and KAG all changed their profile pictures on FB to pictures of us together and I got tons of very bright sunny Birthday wishes. Stefan also called and was precious about giving advice and wanting to take care of me from afar. Not to mention I had the best evening out I've had in a very long time.

LN rescues me in many ways she doesn't realize or take credit for. She came to my house, boys, wonderful hubby, and even their little Jack Russel Terrier, Roscoe in tow. They came laden with gifts; a hat since I've started wearing hats, beautiful sun and moon decorations, and a handmade silver necklace with "Stefan" and "USMC" engraved on it. That was just the beginning though.

Her husband dropped us off at my favorite restaurant in the world, Malee's in old town Scottsdale, where a VERY handsome man kept us company while we toasted the start of our evening sitting at the bar waiting for our table. Then we had a wonderful dinner and headed over to Su Vino for dessert of Porto Cocoa (DEFINITELY taking KAG and Jackie there when they come to see me).

Porto Cocoa is the most decadent dessert wine that has ever been created, it's a dark red port infused with cocoa. It smells like dark chocolate, is smoother than silk, and is mine and LN's favorite way to celebrate. From there we went to little dive bar to listen to my favorite band and even had the opportunity to meet the band! They were so cool. We danced and did shots, the lights went out, there was this giant ferocious looking doorman that I kept making laugh... LN was a riot, dancing, laughing, doing shots. She even broke up a would-be tussle after hours between the band guys and the owner of the bar! Talk about super woman!

Okay, so admittedly getting to bed at 3:00 a.m. with a 7:30 Jasper wake up call wasn't exactly pleasant. The fact that he let us sleep for another hour and a half after that was great though. A little foggy, a little nauseous, and poor LN in even worse shape speaks volumes to the fact that we are no longer twenty-somethings. However, a surprise bonus to the evening was my self-confidence tentatively peaking back at me.

I've gained a lot of weight lately. If I were looking at it objectively, I'd probably say things have been a little rough the past year and that it's taken its toll on my physical health. I don't look at it objectively though and I've been disgusted with myself every time I look in the mirror (way harsh, I know). The "pretty, fun girl" in me had left. Last night she made a brief reappearance. We got lots of attention... from lots of different guys. Sounds shallow but I left the house feeling like an overweight, past-her-prime, woman and ended the evening feeling desired, flattered, and attractive. Oddly, that's more motivation to take care of my health than all the self-berating in the world could do!

So thanks, LN, for forcing me back, to KAG for joining us and for starting it with such a bang, and to Jackie for being wonderful too. I feel like the luckiest person in the world.