Where am I, really?

For the last few weeks I've been listening to Celine Dion (A New Day Has Come) and convincing myself that Prince Charming was just around the corner. I told myself to just be patient, to be kind, and continue imagining Mr. Right. I've pictured lots of details related to Mr. Right and imagined what life with him would be like, all the "visualization" tools you're supposed to use at work. I even convinced myself that I was being patient and just allowing myself time to work through recent challenges; that I didn't want to rush into dating again. It's true I'm not a serial-dater, nor have I ever successfully juggled dating several men at a time, but it's been eight months since I've even kissed a man.

Then today, Antonio calls out of the blue. I listened to the message, twice. He's still not right for me. I still don't want to date him again. I still called him back. He wants to have lunch. The gist of it was that he was bored driving somewhere and thought to call me. I'm a resource again and having a friendship with me looks good to his boss because of my role with the DOT. I get it. It sucks. He's the last man I kissed, the last man to make love to me, and the last man I allowed into my life. It all went horribly wrong of course and I behaved very badly. So why did that brief conversation send me into a tailspin?

I know I'm not still hung up on him but I can't seem to move past how awful that relationship was. It was wonderful, beyond words, in the beginning but it all fell apart as things evolved and I made so many mistakes. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I don't know what I do wrong with men. I know all the logic behind my relationship woes but I'm sick to death of all of it.