I keep thinking things are getting better and then something else happens. Every time I start to get my footing, start to try to make sense of things, something else happens. I can't think, I can't concentrate, I just work. When I come home, I sleep. I sleep until I can get up and go to work again. At work things make sense, things are coming together, and it's exciting. Of course who knows how the President's news will impact things. If there are no projects ....
Stefan leaves in June. He's going to be going to Japan, then Thailand or New Zealand, then Iraq or Afghanistan. He'll be back in January... maybe. "They don't do long deployments anymore" but part of the time he'll be at sea and we'll go months at a stretch without being able to talk to him. Focus on the adventure of it for him, right? My mind agrees but my heart aches.
My Mom called yesterday, at work of course, to tell me how awful I look and how worried my brother is. Like an accusation. Then she brought up an illness I had a few years ago and started talking like she was sure that it's back and I need "treatment." My God, like telling me I'm going to die is going to help with stress right now?
Then I was looking for an email I sent and I ran across a bunch of emails from Mary. It was right around the last time I saw her and she was talking about her friend Terry. Terry had just died after a long fight against breast cancer. Mary was so sad, in shock, but loving and needing support herself for once. I'm numb. I can't even cry anymore. This is so not about me. So many people lost her, not just me. Guilt on top of grief. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. What am I supposed to do?
So many other little catastrophes some with big impacts and I'm numb still. I can't process anything. In the big scheme of things do they matter? Probably not but they have to be dealt with now, with energy I don't seem to possess.
For some reason it hasn't been "the" straw yet. I don't know why God thinks this is good for me. I can't see what's around the corner from here but I'll keep plugging away, hoping and praying, and things will get better. That kernel of hope is hard to squelch. As I read this, I make myself sick. Where's that eternal voice of optimism? Where did I go? It's amazing that I have any friends left. I wouldn't want to be around me.
2 comments:
It will never be the last straw Mel..cuz nothing will ever get that bad!!! You are an amazing woman and things from this point on will only get better...I PROMISE!!! Remember the little things in life that make you smile, make you happy, make you laugh..think of those when you think it's all too much to bear. Go walk in the rain, have a chocolate dipped strawberry, hug your puppy, go to the Zoo and watch the otters play....do something happy and you will soon feel happy again...I PROMISE!!
Don't judge yourself. Let your friends do that for you :-)
Challenges will come everyday, but we can't stop existing just because the next challenge is still tougher. There's gotta be a way out. That's the hope on which I am surviving.
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