Puppies and Afghanistan

I'm preparing for a hike, sort of. I'm meeting a friend in a while, sadly a friend who wants to be more than friends. I have to tell him today that that just can't happen. He's so bright, amazing education, funny, and sweet. But, he's not for me. My life seems to be a series of dramas over the past few years. It's not changing. The layers of complication are there, will probably always be there. His life, at least how his life appears, is that of a person who has grown up with every privelege. My partner needs to be able to relate to my life without judgement and without me worrying about being judged.

Jasper barely let me sleep last night. I'm tired but decided to get up early anyway to try to get a jump on my day. I'm frustrated after last night. Lee got antsy and went to a sports bar. We didn't have a lot of cash but he went anyway and spent what we had. He took change with him too. That seemed so sad to me. I wish we were in a position so that if he wanted to go out he just could. He had been drinking beer before he left and you could tell he was well on his way to a good buzz. He called from the bar and wanted me to come over there. He said it was so I could hang out with him and listen to bands but it wasn't. It was because he wanted me to come and use my visa/debit card to pay so he could stay out longer. When I said no, he came home and tried to convince me again. I said no again and he took his dog in the room but left shortly after I went to bed. I don't know where he went. He could have walked back to the bar or just walked his dog but I have a feeling he went back to the bar. I felt awful because I took my purse and keys and put them in my room. I want to trust him. I believe that this time can be different but when he drinks, he's different. He doesn't think responsibly and he's big, big and intimidating. I have to talk to him about this but I don't know how.

My mind is heavy with that, rather than get some work done, I'm distracted. I'm surfing amazon looking for books about Afghanistan and how to raise puppies. I think Jasper was too young to leave his Mom just yet but now that he's here we have to figure out how to make it work. Kind of like Lee. I love my brother so much. He's got such a good heart and he's had such a difficult life. We have to make this time different.