The Gift

Journal Entry: January 28, 2010

"Last night was one of the most beautiful nights I've ever experienced. I'm at a hotel in Wickenburg, Arizona. It's not fair to call it a hotel. Sixty years of running a ranch, home, a family. The people here are sweet. They're kind and unassuming. The rooms are little bungalows, not too fancy, but comfortable and very "Arizona." There's a calm, a peacefulness here that is soothing to my soul. A reminder that I come from a simpler place. That life is meant, for me at least, to run at a different pace. I've become a product of my environment but I'm being drawn back to my roots; not family roots but spiritual roots. Sitting here writing, looking out over the expanse of the beautiful Arizona desert, the mountains on the horizon, I feel it calling to me. I can't remember ever feeling this before. My mind strays continually to last night.

I walked outside after dinner to be struck by the sight of the evening sky. I was in awe. I was looking at the sky as much as I was looking at the road as I made my way back to my room. I pulled the comforter off the bed and laid on the patio lounge. I stared at the moon. It was full. Watching the clouds, I whispered my question to the universe, "Mary, where are you? You can't be gone. I miss you so much. I can still feel you." Tears streaming, I watched the clouds dance across the face of the moon. The dark from the night sky played with the bright light of the moon, reflecting off the clouds.

It started as an absence of clouds, like someone had taken their finger and ran it first one way and then another; across and then down. Almost the shape of a cross but the clouds filled in some areas and left others dark. The shape of a woman formed. It was as if the woman was dancing, looking up, with her arms flung wide in abandonment and joy. Her hair was streaming around her and her face was wise, serene, like she had all the answers in the universe and was marvelling and celebrating them. I watched as the image became more and more clear. I watched it float across the moon; a fluid, graceful, ancient, female spirit.

I was distracted for a moment and looked away. When I looked back at the sky, there wasn't a cloud in sight. The night was pitch black with only the moon in a blanket of dark velvet."

Every time I look at the full moon, I think of Mary. I miss you and love you, my friend. Thank you for the gift of the moon.

Kindred Spirit

I just read a blog post written by my dearest friend. As I read it, I could feel her pain, attempt at optimism, guilt over expressing her disappointment, and hope. Hope that some day things would return to "normal." My friend is one of those people who lights up a room just by walking into it. She gives and gives and gives. She takes care of everyone but especially me.

In her post she wrote about feeling like a spectator in her life. Interestingly enough, another dear friend also wrote about life's experiences. She shared a passage that expressed that life brings you the experiences you need to have to more fully evolve as a human being. Naturally, it was much more eloquently stated than that, but the combition of writing gives me pause.

There are so many days that I have to concentrate on the next immediate thing, not looking too forward or too far back, lest I become overwhelmed. I have to concentrate on not allowing myself to get consumed with sadness. I have to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to notice how alone I am. I don't want to become one of those people other people dread hearing from.

I look back sometimes at the things I'm doing, at what I'm trying to accomplish, and I think "Wow, that's pretty cool." I kind of feel some times like I am making a difference, like I might actually be helping people, and that maybe someone somewhere is feeling encouraged by what I'm doing. I watch, like a spectator, like my friend's post. It's all just going by. It's felt like that for so long. What if that's just life? What if my lessons or experiences never lead to more than this? What if I end up the crazy old lady with all the dogs?

Tourist

Ah to be a tourist. Maybe someday I'll get to stay.

Happy Women's History Month

To the women who have inspired me:
Jackie
Deirdre
Ellen
Angie (two)
KellyAnne
Mary O'Connor
Mary Peters
Laurie
Marie
Debora
Elizabeth (many)
Desiree
Meryl
Laura
Sheila
and to all the heroines within literature... cheers to those who created our fantastic fictitious inspirations.

Why does it matter? Or... Confessions from a Stalker

I did a presentation today. For about a hundred people or so. There were heads of companies, the head of the Arizona Division office for FHWA, and tons of people from my new agency. It went well. Very well in fact. The President of my ex-boyfriend's company was the facilitator for the meeting though. I couldn't help it. My heart skipped a bit when I read the company name on the business card. He asked me bio information and of course Flagstaff came up, then my old high school, apparently he went to school there as well, then of course my ex's brother and then my ex. What a slippery slope. I made some neutral comments about them being nice guys. Yada yada yada. Damn!

Before I even made to my next meeting I had a txt from my ex. Thanks for the good words about their company or something to that affect. Easy, flirty banter for awhile followed by silence. So I'm online FBing and decide to search his name. I won't add him or his brother as friends but I wanted to peek at his current pictures (weird how you can do that). I suppose I got what I deserved. There he was with his new girlfriend, maybe more than that even. He'd recently updated pictures from Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even had a picture in his profile pics of the two of them together.

She's cute. Blonde, big blue eyes, tiny. She was with him and his family for the holidays, like I was the year before. While I sat at home feeling desperately alone and pathetic on Thanksgiving, he was hosting his family at his house and she was with him. While I was barely staving off a nervous breakdown over Christmas, trying not to think about losing my house, my son, and having my brother reintroduce his alcoholism to my life, my ex was celebrating with his new love and his little boys.

He's kind of an ass. More than kind of. But he's been able to replace me pretty quickly. He's found another person to share his life with and I'm alone. Me and my dogs, living for moments I get to see Stefan. I'd be lost without my friends that's for sure but it's not the same as love. It's not a hug at the end of a long day, a kiss good night, intimacy. I can't do it though. I'm raw over the happenings of the last year, including what happened with him. I'm heavy, I hate the way I look, I hate feeling damaged still. I know what I need in a man, and certainly he was not it, but I can't seem to keep the hurt from my heart at how quickly I was replaced. She's cute. He's happy. I know all things come in their own time but I wonder if I'll be alone forever. Sometimes it feels like it.