Why does it matter? Or... Confessions from a Stalker

I did a presentation today. For about a hundred people or so. There were heads of companies, the head of the Arizona Division office for FHWA, and tons of people from my new agency. It went well. Very well in fact. The President of my ex-boyfriend's company was the facilitator for the meeting though. I couldn't help it. My heart skipped a bit when I read the company name on the business card. He asked me bio information and of course Flagstaff came up, then my old high school, apparently he went to school there as well, then of course my ex's brother and then my ex. What a slippery slope. I made some neutral comments about them being nice guys. Yada yada yada. Damn!

Before I even made to my next meeting I had a txt from my ex. Thanks for the good words about their company or something to that affect. Easy, flirty banter for awhile followed by silence. So I'm online FBing and decide to search his name. I won't add him or his brother as friends but I wanted to peek at his current pictures (weird how you can do that). I suppose I got what I deserved. There he was with his new girlfriend, maybe more than that even. He'd recently updated pictures from Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even had a picture in his profile pics of the two of them together.

She's cute. Blonde, big blue eyes, tiny. She was with him and his family for the holidays, like I was the year before. While I sat at home feeling desperately alone and pathetic on Thanksgiving, he was hosting his family at his house and she was with him. While I was barely staving off a nervous breakdown over Christmas, trying not to think about losing my house, my son, and having my brother reintroduce his alcoholism to my life, my ex was celebrating with his new love and his little boys.

He's kind of an ass. More than kind of. But he's been able to replace me pretty quickly. He's found another person to share his life with and I'm alone. Me and my dogs, living for moments I get to see Stefan. I'd be lost without my friends that's for sure but it's not the same as love. It's not a hug at the end of a long day, a kiss good night, intimacy. I can't do it though. I'm raw over the happenings of the last year, including what happened with him. I'm heavy, I hate the way I look, I hate feeling damaged still. I know what I need in a man, and certainly he was not it, but I can't seem to keep the hurt from my heart at how quickly I was replaced. She's cute. He's happy. I know all things come in their own time but I wonder if I'll be alone forever. Sometimes it feels like it.